


I Was Never Lauren

by Liebisadick, Prime_Tyme



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Co-Written, F/M, Oneshot, Trans Male Character, Transgender, Transphobia, binding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-09
Updated: 2015-04-09
Packaged: 2018-03-22 02:24:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3711295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liebisadick/pseuds/Liebisadick, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prime_Tyme/pseuds/Prime_Tyme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He was carrying a box and he started breathing heavy, then he just passed out. He was wearing bandages," Sadie explained, "Is he gonna be okay?" </p><p>"He should be fine. He must've been deprived oxygen from the brain. Heavy bruising on the ribs." The paramedic stopped talking to her and was listing off injuries."</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Was Never Lauren

Lars enters the store, holding his ribs. The ring of the small bell piercing his ears. Everything hurt.

" _I shoulda' change the bandages,_ " he thought but he was already late as it is.

Sadie was restocking the newest batches of doughnuts when she said, "You're late, Lars."

"I know. I know. I'm sorry. My alarm was turned off, my parents took the cars, I barely had time to change." Lars let out a groan, still holding his ribs.

Sadie noticed how slow he was moving and called him out on it. "Lars, I know when you're faking. You're not getting out of work again."

"Sorry, Sadie. Just a little, out-of-sorts," he lied. He stood up, breathing deep. Ignoring the sting, he walked to the back room to take inventory. 

"Hey, Lars. I need you to restock the Lion Licker's cooler! The ice cream should be in the deep freezer!" She said from the counter. Lars let out a groan.

" _Okay. You can do this Lars. Man up!_ " He walked to the freezer, opened it, and took the heavy box of frozen sweets from its icy shelves. He  walked with his back arched, the sting turning into an unbearable crushing of his lungs. He walks to the treats newest home. and puts the entire box in the cooler, not bothering to display it. He closes it and takes shallow breathes.

Sadie is at the counter, observing. "Hey, Lars. You know you gotta put the ice cream out of the box right?" Lars can't answer. He's too busy trying not to start hyperventilating. Sadie is taking it as a joke. "Man, you are really not cut out for this kinda of work." When Lars was still breathing hard she added, "Okay, that's enough, Lars. You might pass out or something."

Lars knew what was going to happen. He wants to rip out the bandages and get back to work, but his lungs don't have the air and his arms don't have the energy. He looks up, his eyes pleading for help, but all Sadie sees is a lazy employee. "Sadie..." is all he can say before blacking out.

Sadie is shocked at first, but continues to believe he's just playing a prank like he always does. "C'mon, Lars. You can do better than that." But Lars doesn't answer. He takes shallow breathes and is trapped in a nightmare where he is drowning in the hate his parent gives transgenders, the hate Sadie will give him. The hate everyone will give him.

He can't breathe. But Sadie doesn't know this. "Lars. C-come on. Joke's over. I know you're playing with me." She gets to Lars' limp body. "Lars?" She asks. Still, no answer. "Oh my god!" She rushes to the back for her phone to dial the number she's been taught to call in case of emergency.

" _911, what is your emergency?_ " the operator asks.

"My friend isn't breathing! I thought he was just kidding around but he's not waking up! I don't know what's going on!" As she talks, Sadie runs back to Lars' side. Facing him up.

" _Okay. I need you to be calm down. What is your location?_ "

"The- the Big Donut in Beach City, Delaware. O-on the board walk," Sadie responded, tears streaming down her face.

" _Okay. Everything's going to be alright. The paramedics will be there shortly. For now, can you find what is not allowing your friend to breathe? Did he eat something or has something constricting his ribs?_ " the operator questions.

"No, he didn't eat anything. He was just carrying something then passed out. Wait, he was holding his ribs when he walked in." Sadie lifted his shirts to find tightly wrapped Ace Bandages around his chest. "He's- he's wearing bandages! He...." Sadie stops talking out of shock. After all this time?

" _Okay. That's good-_ "

"Good!?" Sadie yells. "How is this good!? My best friend is dying because he's too stupid to tell me the truth about who he is, and you're saying it's good!?"

" _I didn't mean that. Now we know what's stopping him from breathing. I need you to unwrap the bandages."_  the operator explained. _"The paramedics are three minutes away._ "

"Okay." Sadie put the phone down and unwrapped the bandages. When she did, Lars took a deep breath of air, but he still wasn't awake. "I took them off but he's still not waking up!"

" _That's fine. The paramedics should be here soon. You did all you can. I'm going to hang up now, okay?_ " As the operator said that, red flashing lights glared through the windows.

"Yeah, okay." Sadie thanked the operator and hung up to help carry Lars outside.

The paramedics rolled in a guernsey and took Lars from her arms. His warmth leaving her side.

"He was carrying a box and he started breathing heavy, then he just passed out. He was wearing bandages," Sadie explained, "Is he gonna be okay?" 

"He should be fine. He must've been deprived oxygen from the brain. Heavy bruising on the ribs." The paramedic stopped talking to her and was listing off injuries. They pushed him into the ambulance and got in themselves. Sadie started to climb in when they said, "Are you a member of his family?"

Sadie panicked. She didn't want to leave Lars. "I-I'm his girlfriend," she lied.

"I'm sorry, only direct family. You'll have to get a ride to the hospital." And with that, they closed the doors and drove away, leaving Sadie to soak in her pool of anxieties. How was she going to get to the hospital? Then she had an idea.

"STEVEN!" she ran to the gems' house as fast as possible. "STEVEN!" she banged on the screen door. "HELP! IT'S AN EMERGENCY!"

A groggy Steven opened the door. "Sadie? Is everything okay?" he asked, noticing her tears.

"Lars is in the hospital. He passed out. He's hurt. They said there's heavy bruising on his ribs, but they won't let me ride with them. I need a ride to the hospital," Sadie's eyes pleaded with the small boy.

"Oh my gosh! Is he okay? C'mon, we can take Lion!" Steven said. Sadie nodded.

As if summoned, Lion appeared behind Steven.

He ran to the kitchen and was scribbling on a piece of paper. "The gems aren't here. They should know what's happened. Come on. Let's go." Steven climbed onto Lion and reached for Sadie's hand.

Sadie climbed onto the pink's lion's back. "Lion, take us to the hospital please." Then, Lion surged forward. Sadie screamed in surprise. It jumped out the door into the streets, dodging cars and people alike. Sadie held on for dear life. "So what happened? Is Lars gonna be okay?"

Sadie didn't know how to answer. How do you explain to a twelve year old how your best friend isn't who he said he was? "Lars has been hiding something from us. I get why but.... I wish he had at least told me." Tears started to fall again.

"Hey it's okay. Pearl once told me that sometimes, the people we love keep secrets from us because they want to protect us," Steven said, making Sadie laugh. He doesn't understand what's going on but he still tries to comfort Sadie, and she appreciates that.

"Thanks, Steven. I guess you're right." Steven smiled.

* * *

When they got to the hospital, Sadie leaped off immediately, not bothering to get her bearings. She rushed through the door to the front desk. 

"Hi, there was a boy that came in? Uh, he has poofy hair and gauges?" she tried to explain what Lars looked like. Luckily the receptionist understood who she was talking about and pointed her to the room he was in. She ran as fast as she could to him. When she got there, the sight made her cry more. There he was, a breathing tube up his nose, even more tubes connected to his arms and wires on his chest.

She entered the room cautiously, as if making a sound will make him slip further into his coma. She got to his bedside. His arms uncovered to show small, faint, white scars on his biceps. "Oh, Lars. Why didn't you tell me? I could've helped." She pulled a chair to sit down next to him. She grabbed his hand. He looked so peaceful, but she knew he wasn't. She knew how hard it was to keep a secret like this. Maybe not as big as this but... she understood.

"Excuse me?" A nurse lightly knocked on the open door. Sadie turned her head, still holding Lars' hand. "Do you know the patient's family. We couldn't find any wallet on her."

Sadie sniffled. "N-no you wouldn't,  _he_  was late today." She emphasised Lars' pronoun to correct the nurse.

"Oh. I'm sorry. Can you try to contact  _his_  parents?" the nurse corrected herself. Sadie nodded and pulled out her phone and clicked on Lars' mom's contact. 

" _Hello?_ " A feminine voice answered.

"Mrs. Williams? It's Sadie-"

" _Sadie! How are you? Aren't you at work?_ " she interrupted.

"No. Something happened with Lars. We're in the hospital right now," she explained, avoiding gendered pronouns.

" _Oh my goodness! Is she okay?!_ " Lars' mom asked. Sadie cringed.  _'They don't know'_

"The doctors said Lars'll pull through. Just some bruising to the ribs is what they said."

"SADIE!" Steven slid past the door of Lars' room. Sadie quieted him by putting a finger to her mouth and pointed to the phone against her cheek. Steven entered the room in a trance staring at Lars. 

" _Sadie? Why are her ribs bruised? Did she get in a fight?_ " 

"I think It'd be best if you and Mr. Williams came down here," Sadie suggested as she watched Steven walk up to an unconscious Lars. He put his hands to the metal borders on the bed. 

" _Yes. Yes. We'll do that. We'll be there soon._ " With that, Mrs. Williams hung up. Sadie sighed and pocketed her phone.

* * *

After twenty minutes of silence, Steven asks sadly, "Is Lars gonna be okay?" 

Sadie sighs. "Listen, Steven, Lars' parents are gonna come and say Lars is a girl. Whatever happens, I need you to go along with it. This is something Lars needs to explain on his own. Understand?"

"Why would they say Lars is a girl?" Steven asked.

Sadie was going to explain the situation when, "WHERE IS SHE? WHERE'S MY DAUGHTER?" echoed through the halls.

"Steven please, just don't call Lars a he." Steven nodded, even if he didn't understand all of it. Sadie walked to the door to signal to Mr. and Mrs. Williams Lars was in this room.

A tall woman with red hair speed walked into the room. When she saw Lars on the bed, she broke down, similar to Sadie. "Oh Lauren!" She took to the left side of the bed, opposite of Steven. Then, a man with a somewhat stubble entered and joined his wife's side. He saw Steven holding onto the metal bars.

"Who are you?" he demanded.

"Me? I'm Steven Universe-- Lauren's friend.." Steven didn't feel comfortable calling Lars a girl.

"Do you know what happened?" Lars' mom asked. Steven shook his head. Then-

"Steven!?" Pearl's voice echoed as well.

"Pearl!" Steven calls out. He sees Pearl, Amethyst, and Garnet staring down at Sadie who is explaining the situation.

"Who are you!?" Mr. Williams asking, shocked at Garnet's size.

"We are.... Steven's guardians." Garnet told him. "Is she alright?" 

Soon, Sadie joined them watching Lars sleep. Then a doctor entered.

"Who are the patient's parents?" She asked. Mr. and Mrs. Williams step forward.

"We are. Will she be alright?" they ask.

"There's a lot of damage on her ribs. And since there's no real way to treat it, she'll have to live with it them for the rest of her life. Is there any reason she would apply Ace bandages to her chest?" he asked. Sadie and the gems froze, excluding Steven.

"Uh, no. We don't know why she would do that..." A groan made all heads turn to the bed. The doctor walked to the machines to change settings since Lars was breathing on his own and awake now.

The doctor smiled at him. "Well, aren't we a strong girl," she said talking like a doctor would to a child.

"Girl?" Lars asks, until he looks around and sees his parents. "Uh, yeah... That's me. The strong... girl."

Lars' parents rushed over to him. "Oh, sweetie! Are you alright? What happened? Why did you have bandages on your chest?"

"Young lady, you'd better explain yourself!" They were cupping his face since they couldn't touch his chest.

"Mom, Dad, stop." He pushed their hands away. "Look I think we all know why I had the bandages on."

"I don't!" Steven quipped.

"And neither do we. Lauren, please-"

"Stop calling me Lauren! I hate that name!" he yelled, quickly coughing at the sharp pain in his ribs caused him to clench up and whimper. 

Sadie grabbed his hand quickly, stroking his hand trying to comfort him. Steven and both of his parents looked confused, the Williams in denial and Steven in naive confusion.  

Taking deep breaths, he touched his chest gently, letting his hand run down to his stomach and looked at Sadie. She just offered a small smile, one he took for granted so often but now was what brought a bit of air back into his lungs seeing it. Nodding at him, she squeezed his hand softly. "It's okay, just tell them." she comforted. 

Gaze moving back to his parents, Lars looked at their shocked and concerned faces, coupled with the gems and Steven's looks. Taking another deep breath, he clenched Sadie's hand. 

"You always told me when I was little I was always a little different," he swallowed nervously. "A little bit...a bit too boyish. And I always thought the name Lauren was just a little bit off, just wasn't me. I never responded right away because I was being stubborn, it was because it wasn't me." 

His parents looked exceedingly confused, Mrs. Williams mouth partially open. "But you've always been our baby girl Lau-" 

"Did you not hear me? I'm not Lauren! I was never Lauren!" He shouted, eyes clenched tight as tears threatened to pool over. 

"I am Lars! I have always been like this, I've always been a guy!" He yelled, quickly freezing. "I've always been a guy...always." he looked over at Sadie, concern on her face but a smile still on her lips. "I was never your baby girl. I've always been your son. I like blue, and punk music, I never wanted to be put in a wedding dress I wanted a tux. I wanted to look in the mirror and not see-" his voice started to break. "Curves or-" he gently touched his chest. 

"But Lauren," his father interjected. "Maybe you're just confused. You used to love dressing in dresses, playing house with the neighbours." 

"No, no I didn't don't you get this?" he pleaded. "I hated being  in dresses, being a fairy, being your princess. I always hated swim parties because I didn't want to wear a bikini. I hated sleep overs because I didn't want to do make up, or talk about boys, and they always laughed when I wore dinosaur pyjamas when they wore butterflies! I've never been what you think I am, I did it for you! I want to do something for me now!" 

Tears trickled down his cheeks, and Sadie wrapped him into a hug, careful not to squeeze too tightly or to touched damaged ribs hurt from years of abuse. Just like Lars's mind. Hurt by years of mental abuse, hurt every time his pronouns were incorrect, each time his mother came home with a new dress she bought him. "Oh Lars," she mumbled to her co-worker. "You're such a brave guy," 

Thick tears covered his cheeks, and Lars trembled and shook his head. "I was sc- scared you'd hate me Sadie," he whimpered, soft sobs racking his body. Shaking her head, she pressed her temple against his. "You're always gonna be that guy I played video games with Lars. Always."

"Well, we won't have it. Lauren, you know how we feel about this issue dear. As soon as you're better, you're coming straight home," his father said in a stern voice.

"Did you not hear him?" The voice was amethyst's. "His name isn't Lauren. His name is Lars. Stop trying to make him something he's not."

"Excuse me?" Mrs. Williams' voice shocked. "Who are you to tell us how to raise our daughter?"

"I wasn't. I was telling you how to raise your  _son_ ," Amethyst smirked. Mr. Williams' eyes widen at the disrespect displayed by Amethyst.

He turned to Lars who was still in a hugging session with Sadie. "Did they teach this? How to be disrespectful?" He walked over to them and pulled them apart, pushing Sadie to the ground. "What have you been telling our daughter?"

"Dad! Don't hurt her!" Lars yelled as loud as his voice can muster.

"What are you blaming me for? I didn't even know until this morning!" Sadie defended herself.

"Liar! you've been calling her Lars for years!" his rage is becoming more aggressive.

"I didn't do anything other than let him be himself! You should try it!"

"Why, you little-" he raised his hand. Shouts ensued. He began to bring it down when Garnet had grabbed his hand.

"Ma'am, I will not let you harm these children," Garnet said with her stern voice.

"Excuse me!" Mr. Williams was baffled. "Do I look like a ma'am?"

Garnet pivoted his gaze to Lars on the bed, his eyes trained on Sadie. "Does  _he_  look like a ma'am? Now, I suggest, you leave until you've educated yourself on who your son is and how you can be better parents." She pushed him to the door. 

Mrs. Williams just ran up to the bed, grabbing the side railing. "Don't you dare do this! Don't you dare repay years of care and love with this sort of- of-" 

Pearl ran up, putting a hand on her shoulder trying to keep her usual composure though anger began seeping through. "Ma'am, your son is in a great deal of pain. And your husband and your closed mindedness is not helping him feel any better but making him more distraught. Many youths of today are coming out as transgender, the term I believe you humans still use. This is actually quite common on our planet, since we are able to shift forms we can change our appearances to what we-"

Amethyst cut Pearl off her history lecture. "What she's trying to say is he's already hurt, don't hurt him more than you already have. Love and care? That's not what any of us are seeing." 

Mrs. Williams stared wide eyed at all these people, all these things telling her her daughter was not her daughter but this- this thing? And she was supposed to be okay with it? 

"Mom," Lars said softly, looking at her in a mixture of terror and pain. "please, just go." he looked over at Sadie, holding his hand out for her to take. 

Garnet had already thrown the husband out, waiting with an open door for her to leave. "We will take care of your son until he is ready to come back home." 

Glaring at them all, she gathered her things and smoothed back her hair. "I don't know if we'll want her back," she mumbled, walking out quickly. 

Lars lay in the bed, staring at her with tear stained cheeks, eyes red and he almost whimpered, "They don't want me any more..." Sadie rushed over to him once more, wrapping her arms as far as they can go around Lars' neck as not to harm his chest. "I'm I ever gonna be better? The doctor said I'll have to live with damaged ribs forever. I'll because I'm too stupid and too much of a coward to get actual binders!" He raised his hands to his head in the form of fists and started hitting himself.

"Lars! Lars! It's okay! Hey! Stop!" Sadie pleaded, grabbing Lars' arms from him. They look at each other, tears and snot flowing down both their faces. "We can get you supplies. And I'll do the heavy lifting in the store from now on."

"Wait! I can help!" Steven said raising his hand. "I have healing powers!"

"Steven are you sure? It has't worked that well in the past," Pearl asked, unsure if Steven's powers can heal everything that's happened today.

"You said it always worked when Mom was upset about how a friend was hurt. And I know for a fact I'm pretty upset right now. just let me try?" His twelve year old eyes looked like a firecracker, sparkling at the possibility of helping his mistreated friend.

Pearl looked to Garnet, who nodded approvingly. She sighed and stepped aside to allow Steven to walk over to Lars' side next to Sadie. "Okay, in order for this to work, I've got to touch the injury. Lars' eyes widen in disgust and he vigorously shakes his head. He definitely did not want a twelve year old touching him there. "Well, it's your ribs so maybe I can just touch your back?" Steven suggested.

Lars looks at Sadie as if for advice but she has none. Lars is on his own. He sighs in defeat and turns to the side showing his exposed back where the imprints of the Ace bandages were as if it were tattooed, a reminder of who he can never be. Sadie moved to where Lars was faced so he can know that she was still with him. Steven licked his palm, said, "Healing powers activate!" and proceeded to lather his magical healing saliva on Lars' back. Lars gave a very disgusted grunt and shiver. Sadie grabs his hand once more to help him endure this disgusting display. All of a sudden, Steven's spit seeps into Lars' back and touches his ribs and lungs. Suddenly, it didn't hurt to breath any more.

Once Steven took his hand off Lars back, Lars sat up in bed carefully, as not to detach himself from the machines and wipe the excess spit on the sheets.

"Whoa. Thanks, Steven. It doesn't hurt any more." His smile disappears and he turns to Sadie. Their eyes meet for the umpteenth time today.  He turns to the gems. "Hey guys? Can we have a moment alone?" he asked them.

Pearl looked at the two humans, her eyes soften at the love they have for each other. "Sure," she said, softly, and ushered everyone else out and closed the door.  
  
Lars had his hands in his lap, his fingers playing with the sheets letting them thread through the cool linen. "Sadie," he began, trying to find the words to say. "I'm sorry to get you involved in this."   
  
"Shh," she shook her head, taking his hands and sitting beside him in the bed though trying to keep the rest of her body from touching him. "It's okay Lars, I don't mind. I just, did you really think that I would hate you? Just because of this?"   
  
He shrugged, looking down at his hands. "You saw how they reacted and they're my own parents. I wouldn't hold it against you if you did."   
  
"I don't understand," she squeezed his hand. "Lars, we've worked with each other for a really long time. I couldn't just throw all that away, our friendship away, because of who you are."   
  
Looking up, his lower lip trembled. "You're one of the only ones that have stayed. I screwed up so much Sadie: lying, slacking off, flirting-" he closed his eyes tightly and laid back against the pillow. "It was all mistakes. I didn't want anyone to know anything about-"   
  
"I know Lars," she cooed, trying to get him to calm down. "About this, I know."   
  
Shaking his head, he looked back at her. "I didn't want anyone to know I may like you."   
  
A blush crept across both their cheeks, Sadie's ears heating up with embarrassment. "You can't be serious Lars." 'He wouldn't take me when he could have a pretty girl,' she thought. "Don't mess with me, especially now."   
  
"No, Sadie, wait!" he grabbed her hand tightly. "Sadie, I'm serious! All that flirting, all those mistakes, those were cause I didn't want you to know. I didn't think you'd feel the same way, but the doctor said you called yourself my girlfriend. I know you feel the same way."   
  
Looking desperate, she tried pulling away but he gently tugged her closer, her short legs touching his. "Sadie, you always said not to lie."   
  
Blushing dark, she closed her eyes. "I do," she said, touching her forehead against his. And they sat there like that, eyes closed and just breathing. Sadie's eyes open at carefully observe Lars. Her eyes shift to his arms and the small scars.  
  
Suddenly, Sadie began sobbing again. Lars looked at her, worried. "Sadie?" he called with care.  
  
"Lars, how long have you been hurting yourself like that?" She didn't want to talk about it. But she had to understand when this all started.  
  
Lars looked down, avoiding Sadie's pleading eyes. He couldn't lie to her. He had just made her confess her crush on him. He looked down and sighed heavily. Twiddling his thumbs again, he murmured, "since the 8th grade..."  
  
"Three years ago!?" Sadie jumped back and shouted unexpectedly, causing Lars to flinch and start crying with her. "Lars..."  
  
"I'm sorry, okay! It was the only way I could live there. With them calling me that name and, and them hating people like me. It was the only way I could cope- I couldn't..." He was so overwhelmed. Why did she have to ask that? Loud sobs racked his body.  
  
"I didn't mean... Lars I'm not mad!" Sadie reassured him, walking back to his bed and hugged him. He hugged her back.They hugged tightly, no longer worried about his damaged ribs, apologizing to each other.  
  
Outside, Pearl was talking to the doctor about getting Lars released early and under their care. Amethyst, Garnet, and Steven are waiting outside. And although the door is closed, Lars and Sadie's cries were heard through the wall.  
  
Steven looks down at his sandals. "Did it not work? Did I fail again?"  
  
Garnet places her hand on his shoulder. "Steven. You may have been able to heal Lars' ribs but you can't heal the trauma his parents had put him through. That kind of hurt, the mental hurt, no one can ever heal. It'll be with him forever.  
  
Steven looks down again, even more defeated. "So, I did fail."  
  
Garnet lowered herself to Steven. "No, Steven. You did exactly what you had to do. Although Lars' hurt will never fully heal, he will move past it and won't be affected by it any more. You did so much. If you didn't heal Lars' ribs, he would've had a more difficult time healing the mental hurt. I am so proud of you."


End file.
